Inside the Mind of Masao
by alicekinsno1
Summary: Just a short about Masao's thoughts and feelings about Megumi and other topics. Contains spoilers.


_A/N: This was just me wanting to step inside Masao's head and flesh out how he feels about Megumi and all that stuff. This is my first time adopting a stream-of-consciousness-esque style, so constructive criticism is appreciated._

_Also note that this story only considers anime canon (and, to a lesser extent, manga canon). As such, it may conflict with the canon of the light novels, but I'm not counting that because I have no way of accessing the light novels in English. _

_WARNING: This story contains themes of abuse._

* * *

Megumi Shimizu. She's probably the prettiest girl in all Sotoba. She may be even prettier than my sister-in-law Chizuko—who I can't have because she hates me and she's a horrible woman who stole my brother, and my father too, thanks to those brats of hers. Well, that one brat that's still around, anyway. But Shimizu's got nothing like that. She's perfect.

I want her so badly. I kinda wish I could go off with her somewhere, and stay there—just the two of us. She said she wants to go to the city... Well, I don't care about the city. I don't really want to go to the city, actually. It scares me—the thought of all those buildings and people and noise. I like being in places where there's lots of woods I can get lost in. But I'd go to the city if it meant I got to be with her! If only I could talk to her without getting punched in the face... Oh well, at least it's better than if she ignored me. The way my family did. And she doesn't ignore me! Not if we're in the same area together! No, she won't ignore me at all—instead she'll punch me in the face and tell me how useless I am and how much I suck and how terrible I am compared to Natsuno!

Of course. She doesn't want me, does she. She'd rather have Natsuno. Why Natsuno, dammit?! What does she, or anyone else, see in Natsuno? I am so much better than he is! Sure I am! Because... ah... well... I rose up from the dead, didn't I? Natsuno didn't. He's been cremated. He's gone. And I'm not. That's gotta count for something, right? And... ah... Tatsumi said I was special. Right before he threatened to drag me out into the sun if I did anything he didn't like... Well, at least I'm not stuck-up and cold-hearted the way Natsuno is! If Shimizu had sent any cards or gifts to ME while we were alive I would have at least said "thank you..." It's not fair! Why do none of the girls ever like me?! They like Natsuno, or Toru, but they don't like me! No girls ever send me love notes, or help teach me how to drive cars! I guess my mother must have liked me okay, but she died the day I was born! Not even my own sister-in-law likes me! Especially not my own sister-in-law. If even my own sister-in-law hates me then what chance do I have with someone like Shimizu? Let's see... Yoshie's pretty cool. And of course there's Toru's sister Aoi. She was pretty nice to me, wasn't she? Wasn't she?

Come to think of it, where is Toru? I haven't seen him since he died. Has he risen too? But then why haven't I seen him around? Maybe he hasn't risen. Maybe he's still in the ground, like that stupid nephew of mine. Or maybe he has risen but he just hasn't found me yet, or maybe he was killed by Tatsumi or maybe... maybe he is around and he just hasn't bothered to look for me! Because... because he hates me the same as everyone else does! But he said he liked me. Hell, he was my only friend for years. Oh, no! Did Toru abandon me? He abandoned me, didn't he?! Just like everyone else! Just like my father and brother—and my mother, too! Just like Tatsumi! Everyone who's ever said they were my friend or family has abandoned me because they think I'm mean and stupid and worthless! Even Toru was happier with Natsuno than he ever was with me, I'm sure of it!

Why do they hate me so much?! Why is it that everyone who's ever cared about me either died or started ignoring me as soon as someone who was more interesting than me came along?! Why?! I'm not such a bad guy, am I? I never wanted to hurt anyone! It's not my fault all these people were dying! I was just telling the truth—Nao did die, and Hiromi was going to die eventually! How does saying stuff like that make me the bad guy?! I wasn't even trying to be mean—just tell the truth! But all anyone can talk about is how I'm heartless and disgusting and only think about myself! How was I only thinking about myself?! Was I really that bad at Toru's funeral? I was just crying over Toru's death—I was trying to cheer them up! Just help them remember the good times, is all! But they'd rather have Natsuno there than me, even though I've been Toru's friend long before Natsuno came into the picture. Because he's "cool" and "rational" and I'm not.

Oh, look! A spider! Hello, spider! Will you be my friend? I'm lonely all by myself. I've always liked spiders. They spin webs with all these interesting patterns and they eat pesky flies and they just look so cool. Yes, that's it, spider—you crawl all over my hands just like that. I won't hurt you. I never hurt anyone. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I mean... sure I've drunk blood a few times but that's totally different! I'm a vampire and I have to do that! And it's not like I want to—if I didn't have to I wouldn't but if I don't I'll die! And I don't want to die!

Anyway, don't spiders eat the same way we do? They sink their fangs into their prey and suck out the juices, right? And we're doing the same thing. Does that make me like a spider? Hey, wait! Where are you going? Aww, he got away. And now I'm all alone again. Not that spiders live very long anyway. He'll probably be dead in about a day.

Come to think of it, Tatsumi said I'll never die naturally or age, didn't he? So... that's good, isn't it? I'll never have to worry about dying, and that's good, because I'm terrified of dying... But do I actually have anyone I could live forever with? Or will I just be all alone forever? No...! I shouldn't think like that! I can live forever with... with... Shimizu? Yeah, I can live forever with Shimizu! I'm sure she'll like me eventually, and then we'll get together. Yeah. Anyway, Natsuno's gone. And Yoshie said she should go find someone new. Why can't that someone new be me?

If only she'd stop punching me in the face...


End file.
